Congratulations comrade! The revolution has succeeded and we truly live in a society where all men and women are equal. They said a socialist paradise could not be built, but we have built it here together! Workers of the world unite!

Take a moment to go look up the definition of personality and you will find its just a picture of YOU! Strong as a leader, compassionate and viewed as trustworthy, the peoples admiration for you is absolute!

Absolute power may corrupt absolutely, but its definitely a lot easier than leading a coalition government, and yet here you are with two coalitions in a row. Everyone could learn a lot about teamwork from you!

High speed internet, High technology, a decent space program (with mars mission planned) and driverless cars. Is this science fiction? NO! it is YOUR accomplishments. Amazing.

If it moves, tax it! That’s been your creed recently. Are you trying to get some sort of special prize for complicating the tax code? If you are, consider this to be it. Congratulations!

Is anybody actually doing any work in this country? It seems like strikers are holding placards on every street corner these days, presumably the placard workers are ironically working overtime.

Going out? Don't forget to take armed guards and travel in an armored personnel carrier because oh boy! Its rough out there. The streets do not run with blood, but its definitely oozing a bit.

Capitalism is truth! Capitalism is freedom! Capitalism is love! Err...maybe? One thing is for sure, you certainly have given that invisible hand of the market a firm and friendly handshake, maybe with both hands.

It seems everything these days is carbon-neutral, recycled and made from 100% organic hemp, or somesuch. You have become a true hero of the environmental movement, expect a nice green statue made of recycled plastic.

Can anybody possibly love our nations flag as much as you do? Clearly not as it seems that 50% of our country is now draped in, in the shadow of, or actually made from flags. Makes you proud to be a citizen of this great nation!

Are you quite sure you aren't some super-hero in disguise? Or is that bullet-proof underwear we hear so much about? Either way, its astonishing how many times an assassin's bullet has failed to achieve its objective.

Obviously if Karl Marx was alive today, he would be congratulating you not only on your contributions towards socialism but also your plans to export socialism to the stars! We look forward to the first socialist republics on the moon and mars!

People these days are using terms like 'technocracy' to describe your incredible efforts to build a super educated population. Its truly laudable, meritorious, creditable and probably lots of other long words.

Some people claimed that modern society simply could not function without an educated workforce, but you have stunned the critics yet again by proving them wrong. We have the highest level of illiteracy and ignorance in the region. GO US!

It seems like our citizens do enjoy a bit of the good stuff these days, whether its alcohol, tobacco, mind-altering drugs, or just donuts. Or maybe whiskey donuts with a light dusting of cocaine, battered and fried? Mmmmmm.

Its certainly impressive the way we no longer need to waste money on blockbuster disaster movies, instead we can just turn on the TV news and witness an endless stream of apocalyptic disasters and events. Grab some popcorn!

You can never really trust a person who doesn’t absolutely LOVE guns. We now have more guns in the country than we do dogs, cats, people and birds combined. We finally did it. We are NUMBER ONE IN GUNS. Go team!

Obviously only people who have something to hide have any real reason to fear the gaze of the state, so its good to know we can monitor pretty much everyone all the time, and this isn't spooky at all. Nope, not spooky. No.

The rich may not be unusually cuddly, but we still enjoy giving them a darned good squeeze now and then. Every time we squeeze them some money oozes out, so I guess it’s a hobby that doesn't cost a thing. Yay.

If you want to get something done, you subsidize it. That seems to be our new national anthem. Perhaps we should subsidize anthems too? Have we tried subsidizing the writing of achievement descriptions? Might be an idea...

Its all about investing for the future! Great men plant trees in which they will never sit in the shade of etc... and they we wont sit in the shade of all these big infrastructure projects either, but its still the right thing to do.

If you can judge a society by what they eat, then our society is green, healthy, organic, full of vitamins and extremely well labelled with very low food miles. It doesn't really work as a metaphor for a country to be honest...

What kind of fool would waste their time being a boss in our country when life is just so amazing as an employee! Short hours, High wages and some very agreeable working practices make this a paradise for people in work!

If Karl Marx was alive today he would be applying for citizenship right here! We have built a socialist paradise on earth, mostly by banning anything that looks a bit too capitalist. To each according to their needs and so on.

What do we want? CARS! when do we want them? CARS! Maybe we are a little bit too excited about cars, but who isn't! If there is any part of the country not covered in roads, garages or car showrooms, it’s a miracle.

Our country has developed a reputation of being a wild west where pretty much anybody can do anything they like. Our relaxed attitude to gambling, drugs, handguns, prostitution and homosexuality is now world famous.

Praise the lord! For our country has truly achieved heights of impressive piety. More importantly we are not teaching this evolution nonsense, and keeping the faith in our schools! Amen.

Are we 100% sure this text is not written by robots? Who knows! Because in this technotopia for geeks and robots, anything is possible. Prepare your circuits for excitement as we whirr and click into the new age!

It takes real skill to smile at the camera, make heartfelt and genuine sounding commitments to the general populace about your manifesto, break all those promises, and yet still win an election. Congratulations

Fear not citizen! The streets are safe and the state will protect you, because you are living in one of the most law abiding and law-enforcing nations on earth, with a police car, bike, drone and indeed officer on every street corner!

Yes its rumored that we have a very secretive state, and that they are watching everyone, and using dubious law enforcement methods but that’s all a rumor, don't listen to rumors citizen, if you know what's good for you...

Hey! Do you feel good? Me too! Isn't life fantastic? I guess its that healthy lifestyle we all lead these days, partly thanks to this governments obsession with the health of its citizens.

Son, if you want to make money these days I have just one word for you: Gravedigging. Yes! Its boom time for everyone involved in the exciting holes-in-the-ground market. Must be all this gunfire in the background.

Unbelievably, you need to actually make some time this week to govern the country. I know it sounds like an awful bore and a distraction from these constant appearances in the media but I'm afraid its part of the job.

Lets be honest, we have all made a total mess of our lives, but we can pretend its because we were all doing it for the next generation! Will they thank us for the sacrifices we make for them? Spoiler: No.

Ah... the gentle sound of birds tweeting and leaves swaying gently in the wind... Our cities may be absolute hell-holes but everyone agrees the rural parts of our country are a fantastic place to be, thanks to you!

These days its hard to hear yourself think over the patting on the back and clapping and shaking of hands with diplomats. Our country is at the nexus of international agreement, and has a reputation second to none.

Are you going to make your mind up at some point? Honestly we might as well get revolving doors fitted to all the ministerial offices if you are going to swap them around this often.

To lose one minister would seem unfortunate. To lose this many in a single career would seem to be worthy of astonishment, pity, surprise and probably an in-game achievement of some sort.

Wow. You really do enjoy making election night TV a thrilling spectacle. I don’t think any politics pundits hearts can cope with any more elections this close, go easy on them!