Earn all Trophies in the game. "You. Are. The. MAN! (Unless you are a lady. In which case, I apologize.)"

Start your first game. "Thanks for buying my game. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. --Sincerely, Matt Hazard"

Pause the game for the first time. "Hey...come back here and play!"

Complete all of the in-game tutorials. "Like I had any choice..."

Defeat an enemy using melee combat. "I don't need a stinkin' gun to deal with YOU!"

Perform 10 single-hit melee kills. "In Hazard Land, the hand can be used like a knife."

Defeat five enemies in a row using melee combat. "Not as fast as shooting...but it sure is satisfying."

Score 20 headshots. "A shot in the head is worth two in the chest."

Score 50 headshots. "That's using your head!"

Score 100 headshots. "Don't lose your head! Oh...too late."

Score two headshots with one bullet. "Eat lead...both of you!"

Kill 50 enemies with the Hazard pistol. "Frag you."

Kill 50 enemies with the shotgun. "That was a blast!"

Kill 50 enemies with the sub-machinegun. "You would think this one would have been automatic. Get it? Automatic? Nothing?"

Kill 50 enemies with the AK-47. "They might be socialists, but they make a pretty good gun."

Kill 50 enemies with the Sniper Rifle. "Zoom, pow! Right to the moon."

Kill 25 enemies using blind fire. "Sorry. Didn't see you standing there."

Kill at least one enemy with every available gun. "The developers put all those guns in the game for a reason..."

Shoot 30 potted plants. "Look at 'em. Just sittin' there, bein' all green and stuff. They were askin' for it!"

Shoot and destroy 30 fire extinguishers. "Extinguishers. They're not just for fires anymore."

Destroy 20 destructible cover objects. "I know it's a waste of ammo...but I LOVE that de-rez effect!"

Blow up 50 explosive objects. "Hey...I didn't pay for 'em. Why should I care?"

Kill an enemy with an explosive that also damages you. "That's gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. Well...maybe not quite as much."

Collect 20 Hazard pickups. "Maxx Karnage...sounds like a cool action hero name."

Collect 20 Master Shield pickups. "It's not like I was afraid of dying...I just wanted the trophy!"

Complete a level without dying. "Eight million corpses in this level...and you're not one of them."

Complete the game on the Minor Hazard difficulty setting. "Sure you won...my GRANDMOTHER could win on 'Easy!'"

Complete the game on the Major Hazard difficulty setting. "Well...at least you didn't have it set to 'Easy...'"

Complete the game on the Maximum Hazard difficulty setting. "You've done this before, haven't you?"

Watch the credits from beginning to end. "Hey...aren't they the guys who made Dead Head Fred?"