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Secret Achievements (Show)
Genital Jousting Achievements
Most Improved Tapulator
Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Move to the left.
Move to the right.
Meet Your Maker
Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Swallow every worm.
Sleep No More
Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Submit your monthly physical report.
Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
You should see a doctor immediately.
Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
A Better John
Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Always Finishes First
Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
The Perfect Partner
Marry yourself in Abstinence.
Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Till Death Do Us
Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Save yourself for that special orgy.