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Secret Achievements (Show)
Genital Jousting achievements
Till Death Do Us
Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
The Perfect Partner
Marry yourself in Abstinence.
Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
Sleep No More
Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Submit your monthly physical report.
Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Most Improved Tapulator
Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Meet Your Maker
Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
Move to the right.
Move to the left.
Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Save yourself for that special orgy.
Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Swallow every worm.
Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
You should see a doctor immediately.
Always Finishes First
Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
A Better John
Start taking responsibility for you actions.