"Thanks for buying my game. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. -- Sincerely, Matt Hazard"
Pause the game. "Hey...come back here and play!"
Complete all of the in-game tutorials. "Like I had any choice..."
Defeat an enemy using melee combat. "I don't need a stinkin' gun to deal with YOU!"
Perform 10 single-hit melee kills. "In Hazard Land, the hand can be used like a knife."
Get 5 melee kills in a row. "Not as fast as shooting...but it sure is satisfying."
Score 20 headshots. "A shot in the head is worth two in the chest."
Score 50 headshots. "That's using your head!"
Score 100 headshots. "Don't lose your head! Oh...too late."
Score two headshots with one bullet. "Eat lead...both of you!"
Get 50 Hazard pistol kills. "Frag you."
Get 50 Shotgun kills. "That was a blast!"
Get 50 SMG kills. "You would think this one would have been automatic. Get it? Automatic? Nothing?"
Get 50 AK-47 kills. "They might be socialists, but they make a pretty good gun."
Get 50 Sniper Rifle kills. "Zoom, pow! Right to the moon."
Kill 25 enemies using blind fire. "Sorry. Didn't see you standing there."
Get a kill with every available gun. "The developers put all those guns in the game for a reason..."
Shoot 30 potted plants. "Just sittin' there, bein' all green and stuff. They were askin' for it!"
Shoot and destroy 30 fire extinguishers. "Extinguishers. They're not just for fires anymore."
Destroy 20 cover objects. "I know it's a waste of ammo...but I LOVE that de-rez effect!"
Blow up 50 explosive objects. "Hey...I didn't pay for 'em. Why should I care?"
Kill an enemy with an explosive and take damage. "It'll hurt me more than it hurts...never mind."
Collect 20 Hazard pickups. "Maxx Karnage...sounds like a cool action hero name."
Collect 20 Master Shields. "It's not like I was afraid of dying...I just wanted the achievement!"
Beat a level without dying. "Eight million corpses in this level...and you're not one of them."
Beat the game on Minor Hazard. "Sure you won...my GRANDMOTHER could win on 'Easy!'"
Beat game on Major Hazard. "Well...at least you didn't have it set to 'Easy...'"
Beat game on Maximum Hazard. "You've done this before, haven't you?"
"What? No multiplayer? Sigh. Well...not like we can take the achievement back NOW...."
Watch the credits. "Hey...aren't they the guys who made that cool noir detective game?"
Defeat Sonny Tang. "Sonny, YOUR ass is kicked!"
Defeat Sting Sniperscope. "Your present ends now."
Kill all butcher shop enemies with headshots. "You're not PAYING for ammo. Feel free to use more."
Blast all hanging beef. "Udder destruction? Steaking a claim? Beating your...I can go on all day."
Get 50 Dual-Wield Six-Shooter kills. "Now all we need is the spaghetti..."
Kill a Bandit from behind with a melee attack. "Good for you. Coward."
Don't let any dance bots die in Level 2. "Do dancing robots dream of disco sheep?"
Defeat General Neutronov. "From Hazard, With Love."
Defeat Sting Sniperscope again in Level 3. "Your present ends now. Again."
Score 20 single-shot Zombie kills. "Don't these things usually hang out in shopping malls?"
Escape from Dexter's mansion. "I gotta get me a house like THAT!"
Get 50 Energy Pistol kills. "Blaster? I hardly know 'er!"
Get 50 Plasma Rifle kills. "Plasma rifles. They're not just for Space Marines anymore."
Defeat the Tentacle Beast of Tramm. "One-two shot right to the tentacles."
Defeat Altos Tratus. "Forecast for the next level: no more clouds."
"What do you mean the interrogation feature was cut?!? Here...just take the achievement."
Defeat Sting Sniperscore yet AGAIN in Level 7. "I. Have had. Enough. Of YOU!!"
Kill three Testers with one grenade launcher shot. "Test the grenades: check!"
Defeat Wally Wellesley. "Like I said..."
Meet Quentin. "DUDE!!!!!"