You’ve always loved to yank the ol’ handle! Awarded for hitting a jackpot on any slot machine.

S’way to go! You’re the living embodiment of the word “tipsy!” Drink ten drinks in a row at Lefty's.

You’ll tell anyone, anything - especially a recorded female. Awarded for taking the phone sex quiz.

You’re showing your age, Larry. That company has been gone a long time! Awarded for dialing 1-209-683-6858 on the payphone.

It’s the next best thing to having yourself spayed or neutered! Awarded for wearing a lubber before having sex with the Hooker.

You’ve passed a milestone; be sure to tell all your friends. Awarded for having sex with the hooker while wearing a lubber.

Hmm. This looks just different enough to avoid a lawsuit! Awarded for getting a good look up close at the Angry Broads arcade cabinet.

You used the fewest cab rides to get to the endgame! How attractively budget-minded of you! Awarded for getting to Eve’s Penthouse with only seven taxi rides.

Keep this up and you’ll need a talented-but-undisciplined young sidekick! Awarded for chewing your way through the bungee cords in the Honeymoon Suite.

Didja see yourself? Didja? Huh? Your name was number 8,612! Awarded for giving the coveralls to the Apple Man before purchasing an apple from him.

She has three orifices. You were bound to find at least one! Awarded for using the zipper on the patched love doll.

Maybe Adam doesn’t need Olga right now, but he could later, when the money’s gone and spending ends, and they don’t come ’round no more. Awarded for showing the love doll to Adam at Studio 69.

You are so proud. Now don’t tell anyone how you did it! Awarded for turning off the bubbles in Eve’s hot tub.

Congratulations! You’ve now heard every joke this comedian knows.

Congratulations! You found every possible star on the Larrywood Walk of Shame! Thanks to each of them for Kickstartering us.

Congratulations! You found every possible way to die in this game. Every last one. What would your Mom say?

Congratulations! You played the entire game without going broke. You never were one to rely on the kindness of strangers!

Congratulations! You used the vibrator on every possible person in the game. Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased. That’s why we’re here.

Congratulations! You finished the game without once getting peed on by the dog! See? Staying a moving target is not just important in FPS’s.

Have you considered a career as a programming executive? Awarded for hypnotizing the Pimp with the television.

You’re taking “dumpster diving” quite literally, Larry! Awarded for retrieving the hammer by falling from the fire escape into the dumpster.

You’re ahead of the game when you can tell the slop from the glop! Awarded for earning the hot sauce by finding all hidden objects at the Buffet.

Real nice. And the ulterior motive just makes it worse. Awarded for giving a box of wine to the bum and receiving the pocket knife.

Well, well. That wasn’t the least bit embarrassing! Awarded for buying a condom at the Come ‘n’ Go store.

Nice going, Ahab! Now we have to say “Some cartoon animals were injured in the making of this game.” Awarded for pouring the hot sauce into the whale’s blowhole.

You have such a gentle touch with that discarded syringe. Awarded for extracting the civet from the cat.

At least you had the good sense to only make one bottle! Complete the creation of eau d’ Larry.

Who knew? She seemed so sweet. Awarded for dancing with Fawn at Studio 69.

But it was all so fast! That was the shortest engagement on record! Awarded for marrying Fawn at the Weddin’ Ready chapel.

Congratulations, brave adventurer! You have graduated to full-scale breaking and entering! Get the pills from Lefty's window.

This is your second major act of criminal trespass! Way to go! Awarded for entering Adam's penthouse.

You can fix anything! What woman wouldn’t love a guy like you? (Answer: All of them!) Awarded for patching up the love doll.

Don’t try this at home. It requires a dramatic license! Awarded for using the patched love doll to float across the chasm.

You did it. You not only got laid, but you’ve found true love. (Maybe.) Awarded for giving the apple to Eve.

Did you bring a fresh white leisure suit? Awarded for getting peed on by the dog.

You big show-off! Correction: You show-off! Awarded for wearing the lubber outdoors.

What did the last guy eat, rubber cement?! Awarded for flushing the toilet in Lefty's bathroom.

Unprotected sex? In the ’80s, Larry? Seriously? Awarded for having sex with the hooker without using a lubber.

You always did consider yourself a lover and not a fighter. Awarded for getting beaten up by the mugger.

“Somebody get the scraper!” Awarded for getting run down by a speeding vehicle.